Summertime

'Nature' is what we see- The Hill- the Afternoon- Squirrel- Eclipse- the Bumble bee- Nay-Nature is Heaven-
'Nature' is what we hear- The Bobolink- the Sea- Thunder- the Cricket- Nay- Nature is Harmony-
'Nature is what we know- But have no Art to say- So impotent our Wisdom is To Her Simplicity.
Emily Dickinson

Summer is bittersweet. The beginning is full of hope and excitement filled with warm, sunny, long, languid days. The smell of blossoming flowers in the air, butterflies, bees and birds are swooping around happily. Sleeping in with the windows open, lounging in bed with my boys softly breathing beside me, a perfect summer dream. Going to the beach in the evening, watching the waves moving in and out, an easeful and peaceful release. While I can create my own rhythm and routine, the reality is that I can't lay in bed, I have a life full of responsibility. These beautiful, summer days are for squeezing out every second of fun. Seeking new adventures and excitement for my boys on a daily basis is an expectation, while still working, balancing schedules and maintaining household duties. My husband wakes at 6am, off to work, home by 6pm, and without missing a beat, helmets are on, and they are all speeding away on their bikes as another adventure unfolds.

The boys of summer are covered with dirt, they jump into every puddle, collect pocketfuls of sand, drip popsicle juice everywhere, they live in bathing suits and pools, lakes and oceans become their bath tub. Slowly seeping into the heat of mid-summer, family vacation is finally here, and then it rains. We discover that relaxing with young children is impossible, cranky kids need naps and a constant supply of food. Long car rides, expensive tickets to amusement parks, museums, train rides, and beach permits, time off from work, can create stress if expectations are high. Stay in the moment, try not to hold onto potential outcomes, learn to let go and surrender into the true potential of summer. Right now, I love every dirty hug, sticky kiss and sweetly intended bouquet of flowers personally handpicked out of my garden.

I remember my own summers of freedom, swimming, reading, playing with friends. Summer nights lit by big, full, yellow moons that hung in the sky while I stayed out past my bedtime. Breathing in the night air with my heart beating hard against my chest, memories endure as you feel it all. Being in nature and enjoying all her beauty intensifies physical sensations. Waiting for the soft, quiet stillness as a hummingbird feeds on the nectar of flowers in bloom, listening to the song of crickets and summer bugs, watching the bats fly overhead as the sun goes down and the owls hoot in the big pine trees that sway with the wind. Close your eyes and remember these moments of feeling alive, share the simple enjoyments of each season, find connection and balance with our Earth. New memories are made by opening up all senses, acknowledging the complexity and mystery of life, 'Nature is Heaven.'

Three months go quick and here I am at the end of our summer days. Sitting on my front porch, enjoying the sound of loud, smashing trucks and quick quarrels, while my eyes focus on large iridescent bubbles lightly floating over small heads. All of a sudden the days are shorter, the nights are creeping in earlier and the temperature has dropped. Most of us who live in New England can't wait for the start of fall. These early autumn days of blue sky, warm sun and cool, starry nights require fleece jackets and soft, faded jeans to come out from the bottom of drawers. Then another hot day sneaks in and you are glad the last air conditioner is still in the window, and at least one fan is in the house. Preparations are made for school, early bedtime and I still have to switch out the laundry, fold it and make dinner. Everyone says these are the golden days, enjoy them while you can. Enjoy every moment of life, celebrate it, laugh often and do everything with the intention of love in your heart.

So, I take a deep breath in and smile happily to myself.

On the last day of August we celebrated at my parents house with good friends, enjoying dinner and time together on a beautiful evening. As I stepped out of the house into the setting sun, I saw one lonely dandelion left on the lawn. I stopped, picked it up and held it up to the sky. Before I made my wish, I paused and thought of all the loveliness in my life. Gratitude filled my heart as I heard my boys squeals of laughter behind me. I said my wish aloud into the universe and watched as all the last fluffy, white blossoms flew away.

Listening

You, who are on the road, must have a code, that you can live by.
And so, become yourself, because the past, is just a good bye.
Teach, your children well, their father's hell, did slowly go by,
And feed, them on your dreams, the one they picked, the one you're known by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh, and know they love you.

And you, of the tender years, can't know the fears, that your elders grew by.
And so please help, them with your years, they seek the truth before they can die.
Teach, your parents well, their children's hell, will slowly go by.
And feed, them on your dreams, the one they picked, the one you're known by.
Don't you ever ask them why, if they told you you would cry,
So just look at them and sigh, and know they love you.
CSN&Y

One morning on a very hot day, my boys and I hiked into the woods. There were rocky paths filled with large tree roots and big tempting mud puddles. At times we had to abandon the stroller due to rugged terrain. There were highs and lows, scrapes and falls, exciting discoveries, laughing, singing, crying and whining. The beauty of spending time in nature, away from home, technology and constant distractions, creates an opportunity to truly be with one another. It also offers space to breathe, to be, and to enjoy the sounds of the earth not normally heard above the din of daily life and routine. As we walked, we enjoyed quiet moments of observation. "Mom! What kinds of animals live here? How big are the woods? Did you see that moss on the ground! It's soft, fuzzy and covers the whole tree! Where does that path go? Come on, Mom! Let's Go!"

We hiked for about an hour and the sun grew higher and hotter. The need for rest and nourishment became apparent and we set down our blanket and enjoyed a small lunch together under the canopy of balsam and fir trees. Mosquitoes and black flies broke up our picnic pretty quickly and the boys were once again on the move. With sweat pouring off us, moving at a slower pace, the two mile loop was feeling more like a ten mile loop by the end and the boys easily talked me into a treat. Sitting on a bench next to the mooing cows and bleating goats, shielding our eyes from the bright light, my two sons shared a cup of fast melting ice cream, and even I got a bite or two. Sticky, pink sweet cream dripped onto chins, shirts and hands, my boys were content and in this moment, so was I.

As a new mother, there is a constant, nagging feeling of inadequacy and worry. Am I a good parent? Am I disciplining them enough or not enough? Why don't they listen to me? Of course, there is never a doubt of love. It surrounds us like a protective bubble. My love for my boys is impermeable but I wonder if what I say is getting through to them.  Parenting is the most difficult challenge of my life and my most rewarding accomplishment. Having my babies after 30, cultivating a fulfilling career after college, marrying my first love and pursuing personal interests, left me with experiences I thought would prepare me for raising and guiding two spirited children with sharp minds and devilish grins. I want my boys to grow into kind, respectful, smart, compassionate individuals who carve a path for themselves in life that leads to happiness. How do I help them do this? How do other parents do this? How did my parents do this?

After our dessert, the sugar rush was creeping in as the giggles turned into screaming and our walk turned into a run. They were off and I was left wildly chasing them, towing a backpack and the stroller behind me, hoping they don't fall head first into the nearby pond. Their little heads barely visible behind the tall grass, dandelions and fragrant lilies. Feeling like a crazy lady unable to contain her children, I hollered, "Stop! There are cars, hold hands, wait for me! There is a road ahead!" Once I caught up with them, I was amazed to see they had listened to me! They stopped by the edge of the parking lot, standing there my older son leaned into my younger son reaching for his hand. "We have to stay together little brother, hold my hand and I'll watch out for you." My heart beat slowed down and we quietly walked to the car together.

In my private moments of insecurity, anxiety and fear as a parent, I need to remember these days. This was the day I started believing in myself and my children. I have to trust that the lessons given out of love are being understood. What I say and do impacts the reaction, response and experiences of my boys. Securing seat belts, wiping hands and loading up the car, I was offered a small validation in my parenting confidence followed by a lesson in letting go.

"...so just look at them and sigh, and know they love you."

Resisting

"And the more I go inside, the more there is to see..."

The daily events of my life take me on a roller coaster of emotions and reactions.  Waking up too early, cleaning up mess after mess of smashed food on the floor, boys yelling, throwing and pushing. Battling discipline and love, creating life lessons out of fun and adventure. Providing nourishment, safety, respect, and strength with a smile. All before one sip of coffee. Like me, most parents maintain multiple jobs in an effort to pay bills and balance it with raising children. Staying up all day and going to work at night leaves me feeling and looking like a zombie.

After being away for a while I went to a yoga class, which was an unexpected luxury on a weeknight for me. Less than five minutes in, I found myself resisting in all aspects of mind, body and breath. I was looking at the clock often and generally feeling anxious, stiff and inflexible. After warming up slowly, awakening my spine, engaging my breath, I become aware of my upper back and neck. It must be having two young children who want "up" all the time, lack of sleep, and limited time to stretch, but the burning pain and tightness began to wrap around my muscles. My breath stopped, the pain was so sharp that I began to feel anger towards my body and judging myself for not practicing as much as I should. Discovering this truth humbled me, attempting to undo these harsh feelings, I took a deep breath in, acknowledged my vulnerability, and started to work with my body, not against it.  

The moment I became conscious of this intense resisting, I began to let go. My change in perception of what was happening in the present moment broke down an internal barrier, the wall of negativity I built up in my mind. Suddenly, I had more space for my breath and took the poses into my body as if I was drinking a cool glass of water. Unfolding from within, I surrendered and let freedom of movement overtake me. 

I needed that yoga class and the rest that followed. At the end of class, I was deeply relaxed and felt recharged. Ninety minutes of feeling, moving, breathing and being brought an inner harmony and balance back into my body and mind. Driving home I realized how much I was resisting in my life as well. Moving from moment to moment without enjoying, lingering or acknowledging. My life is one big succession of tasks and responsibilities, I was allowing the build up of stress to take its toll inside my body. 

Staying calm, confident and happy is my choice. In a life that revolves around putting others first as a necessity and a priority, I need and deserve to set aside a block of time for myself.  Turn off the constant chatter in my brain, go inside and rejoice in the beauty of my life.

When I look into your eyes, your love is there for me

And the more I go inside, the more there is to see

It's all too much for me to take
The love that's shining all around you
Everywhere, it's what you make
For us to take, it's all too much

Floating down the stream of time from life to life with me
Makes no difference where you are or where you'd like to be

It's all too much for me to take
The love that's shining all around here
All the world is birthday cake
So take a piece but not too much

Sail me on a silver sun, where I know that I'm free
Show me that I'm everywhere, and get me home for tea

It's all to much for me to see
The love that's shining all around here
The more I learn, the less I know
But what I do is all too much

It's all too much for me to take
The love that's shining all around you
Everywhere, it's what you make
For us to take, it's all too much

George Harrison

Ten Years Gone

"We are eagles of one nest, The nest is in our soul."  Page & Plant

Ten years ago I married a wonderful man, he is my opposite in every way, yet we are drawn to one another through some kind of energetic current. I must have known the moment I met him that we were meant to be together. Early on in our relationship, I had a dream that I was kneeling with open arms in a big green field, a little boy with light hair and blue eyes was running to me with a smile so big it could save the world. It was a premonition, a hope, a dream, my reality.

My husband is a light hearted man, he loves, he laughs and he enjoys all he can of life.  I am constantly struggling with staying in the moment while he is living it.  I have realized after many years of yoga, reading and meditation experiences that I want to be like him. He stays calm, cool and collected naturally and can focus on one task mindfully. He is a man of reverence, patience and love. An amazing father, even though he feels like he is still finding his way, he is doing a pretty good job after four years with two beautiful boys. 

Becoming parents has changed who we are in many ways, some for better, some for worse.  The discovery of who I am now in comparison with who I was, keeps my husband on his toes. My emotions run high, my priorities have changed and my love for all my boys grows stronger every day. When dinner is over, the dishes are washed, the laundry folded, bath time done, pajamas on and the boys are finally asleep, I wrap my arms around my man and rest my head against his chest. We have busy lives and little time for each other, but celebrating the wonderful monumental moments of life is worth all the hard work. Happy Anniversary, my love. 

A Mother is Love

"One of these mornings, you're gonna rise up singing, and you'll spread your wings and take to the sky."
George Gershwin

Growing up, my family always celebrated Mother's Day in combination with the birthdays of my sweet Grandmother and my Aunt. Both of these lovely women have passed on and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them. I am grateful for the time I had with my Grandmother, she taught me the value of finding happiness, patience and faith.  Her love of writing, poetry and music has shaped my life and how I express myself.  Finding beauty in oneself, creating art, observing my surroundings and letting go of fear are lessons my aunt strengthened in me. If I can carry on their legacy it would be to pass on these wonderful gifts to my boys. My son tells me we now have angels in the sky watching over us.

Today, Mother's Day is special because I am a mother now. I look back on my memories of being raised by a family filled with love, kindness and acceptance. We learn from our Mothers and they learn from their mothers. Any woman in your life that fills you with warmth and makes you feel needed and important is a mother. I am lucky to have so many women in my life helping me learn and to be loved by, but the most important woman in my life is my own mother. She is beautiful inside and out, artistic and imaginative. My heart and mind fill with memories of her singing to me, reading to me and caring for me. Her perfume, her makeup, her jewelry, fill my senses and return me to a time and place of comfort. I loved watching her sew, knit, garden, bake and cook. I learned everything I needed to survive on a basic level by watching my Mom. She quietly kept our house, and my sister and I clean. She curled or braided our hair before school, washed and ironed our clothes, sometimes twice because we would change our minds so often. Handmade Halloween costumes, birthday celebrations and Christmas holidays were made special because of her persistence to find or make the perfect gift.

My mother is a constant support in my life, a phone call away, and available to me and my boys on a moments notice. My mother reminds me of what I was like as a child and she helps me to understand the complex emotions and actions of my boys. She guides me on this new journey into motherhood, validating my questions, concerns and doubts. When I feel lost and tired and I need a hug, my mother is there for me waiting with open arms.

A Mother’s love is something
that no one can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,

It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .

It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .

It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .

It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .

A many splendored miracle,
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God’s tender guiding hand.

H.S Rice

Come Together

In the wake of the tragic events from Monday leaving many suffering, mourning losses and grieving lives, I am saddened to hear of the passing of one of my co-workers. Her death was unrelated to the events in Boston, but equally as heartbreaking.  As a nurse, there is a mental, emotional, physical and sometimes spiritual connection with people.  Our business is people in crisis. We are the helpers, the healers, and the hand holders.  Last night my long overnight shift began with the discovery of this sad news in the midst of the recurring images of Boston's explosions.  Tragedy comes in many forms and it is relentless, the only constancy in life is the unexpected. My thoughts and feelings are filled with overwhelming empathy for the families touched by the senseless violence incurred at a moment that was supposed to be filled with triumph and joy.

In talking with the nurses that worked beside this beautiful woman for almost thirty years, I realized she was their sister, friend, and extended family away from home.  I am grateful for the long nights spent discussing the challenges of motherhood and how to cope with parenting and work balance.  I valued her wisdom and experiences and am honored she took the time to get to know me.  We shared tough decisions at the bedside caring for the critically ill and she taught me new ways to look at outcomes and goals of care. She was an exceptional nurse, an earth angel guarding over her patients, filled with love and protection for her family. In many work places there is a board of news to keep communication open, informational posts next to obituaries and birth announcements. Birth and death and birth and death, it is as constant as the breath.  People move into this world and people move out of this world.  We carry their memory in our hearts and minds. We carry our children, holding them tightly.

As my co-workers came into work this morning, I was dreading disclosing the sad news to them.  There were hugs, tears, confusion, distress and remembrances, but like every nurse we take a deep breath, redirect our energy and focus on the task at hand.  We are caregivers, we are nurses, we are strong. As we move forward, my friends and family have encouraged me to concentrate on those who help, support and remain unyielding to fear.  Inspiring generosity, giving protection to other living beings, helping others to be safe, and practicing respect for the preciousness of life.  We are surrounded by good people, those moving towards the fire, the images on the news coming out now of local heroes uplifts the human spirit. It is a reminder that we are one, struggling through the complexity of life together.  As a nurse, I am grateful to work alongside such compassionate, knowledgable and kind people.  I am proud to be a part of the helpers and to serve people in any way I can.

There are studies that show that those who are happiest are not wealthy, they are the ones with strong, emotional connections to others.  Communities in the Eastern part of the world teach generosity to their children, to give something of themselves everyday.  A smile, a hug, time to listen, to notice, to play, to sing, to enjoy simple acts of friendliness towards one another.  In the Western world, we tend to ask our children what they learned in a day, the Eastern world asks their children what they gave.  In an effort to connect and inspire generosity we need to live as one, wrap our arms around the world and show love. Remember the goodness, our shared wish to be happy. Giving to another is a way to give to yourself, for we are all one interconnected whole.

Hold On

"Holding moments with the depth of care." V. Bunyan

My younger son gives the best hugs, they make me feel loved and needed.  When he locks eyes with me and reaches out, his little arms wrap me up and his chin rests perfectly in my shoulder. He turns his head to the side and settles in for the best squeeze of your life.  He is holding on tightly to the only moment that exists, the present. The moments that fill up my day are precious and challenging.  In the morning we all snuggle in bed together and I am awakened with sloppy wet kisses.  My older son cradles my face in his hands, peering into my eyes and says, "Good morning Mom, what are we doing today?"  The boys start giggling and playing, knees and elbows soon find their way into my neck and we are up.  As I drag myself from the warm bed, glancing at the clock's earliest morning hour, my day begins.  Breakfast, clean up, playtime, clean up, lunch, clean up, nap time, playtime, clean up, dinner, bath time and bedtime.  On my busiest and most stressful days, I try to look through the eyes of my boys.  I have to refocus my impatience, frustration and anger into another emotion quickly. I want to show my boys happiness, kindness, thoughtful, patient and caring ways to live and to act. Meltdowns, tantrums and whining happen and are inevitable, finding a way to listen and talk, explain while disciplining, to living truthfully by good example.  Showing and feeling love is the best gift of all.

Balancing work, child care and school schedules,  errands, meals, and endless laundry fills up all of my extra time. But the in between moments are the most important, first words, story time, coloring, spelling, baking, walks and surprise visitors. Take time to notice your surroundings, feel the wind on your face, enjoy a warm cup of hot chocolate as you watch the trains and cars pass by.  When I look back on my life, I want to remember playing peek-a-boo, hide and seek, singing songs, dancing, building and stacking blocks, riding bikes and family dinners.  Daily life can be a struggle, but slowing it down, living and really attending to each moment, make it linger and the memories will imprint on your soul.

Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard.  My husband and I had a rare uninterrupted conversation together last night and an even rarer moment of alone time.  As our discussion progressed he said, "I'm just counting on things changing."  I snuggled in next to him feeling warmth through his shirt, holding on tight, bracing myself for the ride.

Cultivating Joy

"Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never Is, but always To be blest.
The soul, uneasy, and confin'd from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come."
Alexander Pope

Spring brings the spirit of growth and renewal. It is physically evident in nature as the little green begins to rise up out of the earth. Our lives shift from a sleepy, wintery, hibernation and awaken into days that are longer, brighter and warmer. We begin to stretch and come alive again. In cultural traditions all over the world, spring is a time of re-birth and new beginnings. It is also a time to remember the cycle of life, honoring the inevitability of suffering and loss by finding joy in what remains.

Symbolically, the crocus flower represents the first signs of spring and stands for cheerfulness. The yellow, purple, and white flowers are peeping out along my hedgerow and my sons were able to spot the little pop of color and promptly rip them from the ground. Now they stand in a vase on my table and I am reminded of  the power of positive thinking. In my life, the glass is half empty and living in a world of uncertainty leaves me anxious at times.  With the help of friends and family, I have been taking small steps in rooting change in an effort to strive for happiness, positivity and optimism. What is my hard work for if not to celebrate life with the joy it can create?

We have all been on the dark road, long nights of restless sleep, a path leading nowhere, circling back around just to begin again. The options are to continue thinking bad thoughts or strengthen the power to choose not to think bad thoughts. There is nothing to lose by thinking happy thoughts.  In the face of adversity, we have to hope for the best. We continue on with the power of positive thinking. Courage, loving kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, equanimity and altruistic thinking are the tools for genuine happiness. Sympathetic joy, is the third abode in Buddhist principles.  It is recognizing joy in the basic goodness of all beings.  One of the ways to share joy is to dedicate the merit of what is good in our own lives to the well being of others.

As I grow older, I am more affected by the outcomes of my actions, my speech, my thoughts and reactions.  I am humbled by the moment to moment awareness of my life. Recently, I attended a workshop on cultivating joy, it came at a crucial point in my life and impacted me by acknowledging the basic nature of myself which is pessimistic, impatient, sad and weary at times. Sharing an afternoon with women of diverse ages and backgrounds, I slowly began to discover the similarities of our lives as we discussed life, read poetry, experienced a guided meditation with sound therapy and found connections bound by the nature of what it means to be a part of something greater than ourselves.  At the conclusion of the workshop, we were presented with a joy journal to continue the fulfillment of recalling moments of joy in our day.  The awareness of these moments can be celebrated on an occasion of relevance, such as birthdays, holidays or the turning over of a new year.

The hope of spring is filled with emotions that are important in changing our perception.  Life is meant for living, enjoying, laughing, and finding connections.  The dark rabbit hole of sadness, depression, worry, negativity, and apathy in life is visible and within reach at any time.  Life is never perfect. Everything that exists eventually ceases to exist. Longing, loss, and suffering will also fade away.  We have the power to choose to live and to enjoy. Find love and happiness in life and breathe in the beauty around us.

Get Up, Stand Up!

"Get Up, Stand Up! Don't give up the fight."
 Bob Marley

Recently, I voyaged to Nantucket with my boys for an extended weekend.  My husband was working on the island for a couple weeks and we were all excited to reunite our little family.  There were no plans set, just time, carved out to be together.  Winter in Nantucket is cold, desolate, serene, beautiful and quiet.  The sun peeked out during small moments of the day and we walked to the beach with the sun shining on our rosy cheeks.  I bundled my boys in layers of winter gear and off we went. The beach is wonderful in the winter, the waves are rhythmic and constant. Getting back into nature reminds me of the simple and basic needs one craves in life. There was snow on the dunes and the paths that led to the beach were rough.  My older son is strong and his excitement allowed him to take off  running down the sands, flying like the wind.  My younger son has just learned to walk and although he is tough, navigating the earth was difficult.  He fell down many times, but continued to get up.  Watching him, instead of attending to him was an act of absolute mindfulness for me.  I was there with him, observing but attentive, and allowed him the freedom to discover the moment himself.  I could see his determination in action and the pure joy in his face when he accomplished his task.  Falling down and getting back up.  He was strong, confident, focused and did not stray, there was never any self doubt that entered into this action.  It was a beautiful and humbling thing to be present for, the will to live, to survive and to not give up the fight.  Get up, stand up! Show up for your life.

In living a life truthfully, the Noble Eightfold Path in Buddhist thought consists of eight basic principles.

Right Understanding embodies the Three Characteristics of Existence. Impermanence; everything and everyone is changing all the time. Dukkha (Suffering) is inevitable and nothing we strive for in life will bring constant happiness. Not self, the idea that we are all connected, not separate.

Right Thought; Nothing exists in the way that it appears in your mind. Take time to examine the origin and consequences of your thoughts.  In the words of the Buddha: We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own mind.

Right Speech; our speech is to be kind, truthful, gentle and helpful.

Right Action; strive towards non violent actions, cultivating motives of generosity and kindness.

Right Livelihood; Live and work with values that promote respect and honesty.

Right Effort; Staying gentle and patient with ourselves and others, this includes letting go and acknowledging our imperfections and our associated guilt. Become who we truly are, who we are meant to be.

Right Mindfulness; Notice, feel, listen, taste and observe. Be aware of what we are thinking as we are thinking it. What is happening to us and in us moment to moment. 

Right Concentration; Stay present, without holding on to the past or focus on what the future will bring. Stay awake and aware, acknowledging pleasant and unpleasant emotions.

These principles help me to move through the complex details of day to day and get to the heart of life. As I begin the journey of raising two young men, I vow to share with them the truth, the struggle, the suffering that is present in the origin of our culture. I am learning as I go, but the importance to stand up for what we believe in, to stand with those who need our help and support, to stand for equality, freedom, love, and what is right is what I will continue to get up and stand up for. I will teach my children kindness, empathy, and compassion not only with words, but with action.

Our New Year

~May this child be held and warmed, loved and welcomed, made secure in this strange new world.~

January is a time of celebration and reflection as both my boys were born in this first month. Becoming a mother has forever changed me and the way I think of my place in the world.  As I see my boys grow big and strong, pulling away and becoming more independent, it is bittersweet.  I lament over my baby belly and smile when a new baby passes me by, but I know that every experience has brought me to now and I hold so much in my heart that was never there before. I am blessed, I am loved, I am a mother and the stars in the sky shine brighter through my eyes.

My boys teach me patience and strength as I battle my way through the day with them. I see the small moments and the excitement of each new discovery. It is a reminder that I too am still learning and can be surprised by unknown and spontaneous qualities that still exist in life.  I feel the need not to rush so much and to hold the moment longer by waiting for my response in mind before my physical reaction.  The magic of the universe unfolding itself upon us. My boys make me a better person, for myself and for others.

January boasts anew, so many things to do.  Now is a time when most think of all that was done and all there is still to do.  Some feel the need to change, in health, work, or life. Resolutions may or may not stick, but the effort is worth every positive moment.  Like most, I want to live more simply, eat healthier, and find a regular rhythm of exercise and movement. But what I really want to do is live and breathe in a peaceful world.  So, I wish in our new year a future filled with hope, kind minds, gentle hearts and loving connections.

Let Go and Let Love

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Letting go of those you love, losing those you love and having faith in the power of the universe is a tough lesson for all of us.  I know in my heart, the loss of a child is the worst kind of woe and we are all children of the universe. We create to carry on, to grow, and to have a legacy.  When a soul is gone before there is a chance to live, we are left with a hole so deep it is hard to imagine ever clawing your way out.  I am deeply saddened by those who suffer from mental illness, feeling trapped by their thoughts with emotions of hate and despair. Their wrath is great, acts of violence stimulated by their fear and negative energy wraps around us all. I am in mourning for those families who have been touched by disaster, devastation, tragedy and senseless loss, for their lives will never be the same.  Even though these people are strangers to me, they are my neighbors and I feel their loss as if it were my own. I send love, light, and hope for their future and dream of a day when we can all live in peace and the world can live as one.

Love, hold my hand

Help me see with the dawn 
That those that have left 
Are not gone 
But they carry on 
As stars looking down 
As nature's sons 
And daughters of the heavens 
You will not ever be forgotten by me 
In the procession of the mighty stars 
Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart 
Here I will carry, carry, carry you 

Forever

You have touched my life
So that now
Cathedrals of sound are singing, are singing
The waves have come to walk with you
To where you live in the land of you,
Land of You
You will not ever be forgotten by me
In the procession of the mighty stars
Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart 
Here I will carry, carry, carry you 
Here I will carry, carry, carry you 

Forever.
Tori Amos

 

This post is dedicated to the lives lost in all senseless acts of violence.

My heart is with those suffering now in Sandy Hook, CT.

Your inner island

"Don't cast away your inner island, don't cast away. Don't cast away your inner island. Your inner island, inner island.  Where you went as a child, is where you long to go, still. Where you went as a child, is where you long to go, still. Don't cast away."          El Perro Del Mar

There is an inner voice that speaks to us before we speak out to others. Taking time to pause, and listen to that inner voice is an undervalued virtue. Too quickly do we express our negative reactions to experiences, judging others and ourselves harshly. Inevitably the voice that speaks out too quickly is heard wrong or taken out of context, and we begin to regret it immediately. For me, I will often look back and obsess over what I said, or how I said it, reliving the moment in my head and kicking myself for it. Speaking from the heart, softly, quietly, respectfully and truthfully is rarely done especially when passion, fear or anger is involved. The way we say things is most important in the efforts of expression.  Verbal tone, choice of words and quality of communication can build walls or tear them down. I know from my own personal experience that it is with our most intimate family or friends that we fall short of this.  It is easy to forget, we have so much to remember in caring for ourselves and others while functioning in a stressful world day to day. We need to say what we mean, mean what we say, but don't say it mean.

Within us there is light and there is shadow.  Our light is made up of those parts of our being that have been commended, accepted and loved.  This light shines brighter when we acknowledge these qualities in ourself and in others.  Our darkness or shadow side is made up of those parts of our being that we experience as unacceptable.  Our families, friends and culture make it known early on which qualities are not valued or accepted.  We learn through our experiences, having been scolded, ignored, rejected, hurt or pushed away.  Dwelling on the feelings of shame and anger intensify our fears and disconnect us from others, we feel misunderstood and our natural coping emotions become buried deep within us.  Connecting with our mistakes, our fears, our regrets can only strengthen our light.  Remembering our own flawed moments of self-judgment and blame opens the door to forgiveness.  We need to forgive ourselves, love ourselves and listen to ourselves.  Create space for compassion within our hearts and minds.  Make room for love and patience in your daily activities. Pause, listen, and speak from the heart. Come back to your inner island, your self, the child within and feel life.  

A Well Respected Man

"And I know, I know you will keep me on the shelf, I'll come back to you someday soon myself."
R. Pecknold

When I was seventeen, I met the man I would eventually marry. He was full of happiness, creativity, uniqueness and individuality.  His caring and compassionate nature was exemplified in one simple action; offering me his shirt on a cool summer night.  That was all I needed to fall; warmth and protection. The boyfriends I had before were only superficial images of what I wanted them to be. Boys with physical qualities I found attractive, dark hair, blue eyes, glasses, and a strong healthy build.  For me, there was a need for the superhero quality in a man. A Clark Kent to Superman transition that would allow for safety and strength in the real world. A man who could be tender and step it up to defend when needed. Life isn't this simple, and there isn't a man able to fit into any woman's idea of perfect. But I was young and had romantic ideas of love, not fully understanding what is needed in a sustainable and healthy relationship.

Nineteen years later, I have a husband who loves me, believes in me, trusts me, matches the duties of parenthood and upholds the balance of what it means to stay strong, work hard and still find beauty in life.  A spouse who believes in marriage equality, changes diapers, folds laundry and keeps up with the housecleaning.  A father who comes home on time, if not early, with open arms full of hugs and kisses.  A kind, patient, generous man deserving of all respect and the gifts that life has to offer.  True superhero qualities in a man.

With a pact of love, a marriage commitment, and two beautiful children, this full and rich life seems to be missing something.  The day to day grind, work stress, financial troubles combined with insomnia and the physical demands of caring for two crazy boys leaves little time for self care, togetherness without interruption, and a moment to think a thought all the way through.  Late nights, parties, shows and spontaneous romance are vague and distant memories. Our lives are in tandem, balancing work, child care and home. The moments we have as husband and wife are few and when we can be together, sleep is the overpowering need.  Life changes constantly and recognizing what is happening now and not judging or reacting negatively is the challenge.  Make peace with the way things exist and find happiness there. The events occurring in life allow us to piece together our whole self, including the opportunity to see what is bigger than ourselves.

Where does the time go?  When there is a quiet moment and we close our eyes can we remember who we were, who we are now and who we want to be?  We need to remember ourselves and celebrate the journey that led us to this destination. If not living truthfully now, what do our children witness as a result.  Live for happiness and pursue passion and love. These baby years move quickly, soon our boys will be older and ready for adventure.  I know my husband will thrive in the wild with them and he will come back to himself.

Rise Up

"And I rise like a bird, in the haze when the first rays touch the sky." 
Waters and Gilmour

As I climb the stairs to the yoga studio where I teach and practice at, I am filled with gratitude.  Laying out my yoga mat, I remember all the people who support me in my efforts to find inner calm.  The benefits of my practice extend outward, in my actions and reactions to family and friends.  My mind is able to focus and I feel I have been given time and space to just be.  This is my life in balance.

In any group class, there is a common goal of learning and experiencing.  While I sit, connect to breath, I notice individual thoughts arise, scatter, and melt away.  The wisdom and offerings conveyed by the soothing voice of my teacher remind me that I am not alone in the struggles of life.  There is a balance to achieve and strive towards.  There is wisdom, strength, and compassion in shared moments of stillness, a quiet space to feel the connectedness of all that is around us.  Beside me, others are stretching out their worries and responsibility, easing their way into coordinating movement and breath.  I know they have the pressures of work, or finding work, as well as, family and friends that require attention and care, just like me.

We all need food, water, warmth, love and support around us to survive.  When there is an abnormal level of imbalance, then life spins out of control.  We look outward to find happiness, rather than inward.  Relying on an external source to give us freedom from stress, worry, loneliness, or sadness is only temporary.  Sooner or later, the issues arise and need to be dealt with.  The beauty of acknowledging the need to fight is the beginning of letting go.

We can learn from those around us, draw from their opinions, experiences and knowledge.  Sharing and communicating thoughts and feelings brings us closer to one another.  We are all one living, breathing, being reaching toward a common goal.  Rise up, take your happiness, connect with others in similar situations, know you are not alone.

Lying on my back, with the weight of my body sinking down into the earth, I relax my physical body and awaken my mind to my breath.  This is the first jewel of yoga, inner wakefulness, knowledge and wisdom, known as the Buddha.  Inhale followed by exhale, thoughts move in and thoughts move out.  Softly and slowly, I turn on my side and pause.  This is the second jewel of yoga, becoming aware of my surroundings and reawakening my internal life to my external life, known as the Dharma.  With my eyes closed, I sit up, open my heart and press my palms together.  I bow my head and thank myself for my practice, aware that this time is a gift.  The third jewel of yoga, known as the Sangha, is the connection of life, sharing, supporting, and trusting ourselves and one another.  Knowing we are all finding our path under the great big sky.

Transitions

September is a time of transition for me and many others. There is a settling back into the rhythm of life, schedule and routine.  It feels good to fall back in line and proceed strong and sure.  With the complications and details that exist in our everyday lives, the best way to cope is to attempt to make it easy, to go with the flow.  Keep things simple, clear and feeling free.  Even with the unexpected, broken down cars, delays in work, stress can build when things don't go as planned.  But life can be liberating in the challenges, enjoyable and spontaneous in its true essence if you open yourself up to the day and let it unfold.

"Beneath the one who is busy is one who is not busy."

At the beginning of this month, I started a new job.  Even though I have many years experience in my field, I still feel the sense of settling and adjustment that comes with a new environment and new people.  The job is more challenging in many ways, but opening to a new way to do old tasks is refreshing.  I focus into this moment, observing and being present.  I don't create stress in my head over things that need to get done at work or at home.  Stay true, do the best you can, follow through, but don't take on more than you can handle.  Sometimes, it's okay to not do it all.  Creating this shift in my perception feels as if a weight has been lifted.  

One of my yoga teachers says, "Take the day inside of you, feel it, breathe it and let it radiate out from within you." Taking the time to notice and be in your environment, wind or rain, snow or shine.
Finding balance in life is a constant struggle, when I look back on these years, I want to remember the everyday blessings of being with my boys.  Driving away from them to go to work is already hard, when I come home I focus on being fully present in their lives.  I want them to remember being together, laughing, playing, talking and snuggling.  Enjoy the time we have, connect with nature, feel the seasons change.  When I was young, time seemed to move more slowly. I want my boys to linger and find joy in their lives.  In this culture of busyness, it is the quiet moments of inactivity that are longed for.

TRANSITION 

It is the gap of transition that shakes us.  Those moments before true movement has been achieved, that bring us to a level of uncertainty.  Let us embrace those moments when change has not yet come.  In quiet mindful moments the transition shall appear.  As we open up our hearts to the silence, we are now willing to hear.

R. Masiewicz

Stand Tall

"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows follow behind you."
~ Maori Proverb

Like the bloom of the sunflower that turns her face toward the sun, I too must rise every morning and face my day.   My achy body and weary head must persevere.  I need to to find strength, courage and inspiration.  My husband and my boys are my anchors, and it is for them I count my blessings. Health, home, safety, nourishment, comfort, work and love.  I can provide for my family and spend time laughing with friends.  The constant reminder of honoring and enjoying what we have now, as it can be gone tomorrow.  The cycle of life and death is known, but seems to hit hard when it happens to us personally.  Sadness and loss are part of life.  I choose to make an effort, to show up to my life and not be afraid.

My grandmother lived to be 90 years old.  She was a woman of strength, independence, faith, story, song, and stage.  A loving daughter, sister, wife, mother, aunt, grandmother and great-grandmother. She was a writer, a poet, a musician, caregiver, and friend.  Our life is a constant discovery of who and what we are.  The moments we have with people turn into memories, they shape and mold us into thinking, feeling and being.

We must not give up, but surrender to the unknown.  Stand tall with a strong stalk and feel the wind move you, but do not falter.  Allow for flexibility, spontaneity and the beauty of your day to unfold.  Take the good with the bad and open yourself to what you need to grow.  Stay attentive to what is happening to us and in us.  Mistakes are inevitable and become important lessons.  Finding balance is the backbone of life.  Carry memories of people and experience with you.  Hold love, peace, patience and forgiveness in your heart.  Believe in yourself.

Sit

Lately, I have been longing to linger, to stay, to sit.  My yoga practice has made more room for my mind and the calm I have received is a true gift.  If sitting, breathing, and noticing helps me to enjoy life, find patience and be more present for my family and friends, then I have to find the time to sit.

The Compassion and Understanding of Kuan Yin

My husband finds it funny that I can't even sit through a movie, let alone sit purposefully and with clarity.  I would like to sit still long enough to have a connection to my breath and my inner self.  To strengthen and cultivate meditation is a rhythm that needs to be a constant in every day life, like brushing my teeth.  I have been on retreats with a focus on meditation, and I incorporate mindfulness based meditation into my yoga classes.  There are some yoga poses that bring in the energy of stillness, as in the practice of yin yoga, which focuses on holding and staying with physical sensation, breathing and noticing changes that inevitably arise.  For me, this type of yoga practice has been a window into the world of meditation.  In true yogic spirit, the postures lead the mind and body into the ability to be still, listen, and to be aware of the breath.

There has been extensive research and documented benefits of meditation.  Dr. Herbert Benson, a Harvard Medical School professor, has studied meditation and found the effects to stimulate the relaxation response, bringing about decreased stress levels, lower blood pressure, and improved sleep and heart function.  Stress can interfere with our body's natural balance, making us less immune to disease and infection.  Relaxation, clarity, calmness and kindness allows our bodies to be in a state conducive to healing and accepting of love.

I have learned and practiced only two types of meditation, both of which bring me back from my wayward thoughts and endless to - do lists made in my head.  Vippassana meditation, or insight meditation is a detached observation of the mind and body from moment to moment. This includes any technique that cultivates insight, including contemplation, introspection, observations of bodily sensations (I use the breath) and lived experiences.  Loving kindness meditation is a more focused technique that offers a way to wish ourselves and others well.  It acts as a form of Reiki by sending out signals of energy rooted in love, and stands by the belief that all living things are interconnected.

It can start with phrases such as:

May I/We be well.
May I/We be free from suffering.
May I/We be free from greed, hatred and delusion.
May I/We live lovingly.
May I/We be peaceful and at ease.
May I/We be safe.
May I/We be happy.
May I/We become wise and compassionate.

The transition of meditation is noted in stages from the self, to others, and then to all living beings.

Resources:
The Relaxation Response Herbert Benson
Mindfulness in Plain English  B.H. Gunaratana