Sunday, July 7, 2013

Resisting

"And the more I go inside, the more there is to see..."

The daily events of my life take me on a roller coaster of emotions and reactions.  Waking up too early, cleaning up mess after mess of smashed food on the floor, boys yelling, throwing and pushing. Battling discipline and love, creating life lessons out of fun and adventure. Providing nourishment, safety, respect, and strength with a smile. All before one sip of coffee. Like me, most parents maintain multiple jobs in an effort to pay bills and balance it with raising children. Staying up all day and going to work at night leaves me feeling and looking like a zombie.

After being away for a while I went to a yoga class, which was an unexpected luxury on a weeknight for me. Less than five minutes in, I found myself resisting in all aspects of mind, body and breath. I was looking at the clock often and generally feeling anxious, stiff and inflexible. After warming up slowly, awakening my spine, engaging my breath, I become aware of my upper back and neck. It must be having two young children who want "up" all the time, lack of sleep, and limited time to stretch, but the burning pain and tightness began to wrap around my muscles. My breath stopped, the pain was so sharp that I began to feel anger towards my body and judging myself for not practicing as much as I should. Discovering this truth humbled me, attempting to undo these harsh feelings, I took a deep breath in, acknowledged my vulnerability, and started to work with my body, not against it.  


The moment I became conscious of this intense resisting, I began to let go. My change in perception of what was happening in the present moment broke down an internal barrier, the wall of negativity I built up in my mind. Suddenly, I had more space for my breath and took the poses into my body as if I was drinking a cool glass of water. Unfolding from within, I surrendered and let freedom of movement overtake me. 

I needed that yoga class and the rest that followed. At the end of class, I was deeply relaxed and felt recharged. Ninety minutes of feeling, moving, breathing and being brought an inner harmony and balance back into my body and mind. Driving home I realized how much I was resisting in my life as well. Moving from moment to moment without enjoying, lingering or acknowledging. My life is one big succession of tasks and responsibilities, I was allowing the build up of stress to take its toll inside my body. 

Staying calm, confident and happy is my choice. In a life that revolves around putting others first as a necessity and a priority, I need and deserve to set aside a block of time for myself.  Turn off the constant chatter in my brain, go inside and rejoice in the beauty of my life.



When I look into your eyes, your love is there for me
And the more I go inside, the more there is to see

It's all too much for me to take
The love that's shining all around you
Everywhere, it's what you make
For us to take, it's all too much

Floating down the stream of time from life to life with me
Makes no difference where you are or where you'd like to be

It's all too much for me to take
The love that's shining all around here
All the world is birthday cake
So take a piece but not too much

Sail me on a silver sun, where I know that I'm free
Show me that I'm everywhere, and get me home for tea

It's all to much for me to see
The love that's shining all around here
The more I learn, the less I know
But what I do is all too much

It's all too much for me to take
The love that's shining all around you
Everywhere, it's what you make
For us to take, it's all too much

George Harrison